agamemnon
05-15-2005, 09:33 AM
Lesson 101 — Heavy metal genres
Revised, improved by Andy Laudano
HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and bangs the princess.
DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he could never beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as well.
A. PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, and the dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist goes to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in his last year of the conservatory. The princess finally scapes, and is now looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.
A. GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives; the dragon laughs so hard at the guy’s appearance, that a stray fireball ignites the protagonist’s hair. It’s so full of hair spray it causes an explosion, killing the protagonist, the dragon and the princess.
VIKING METAL: The hero arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, cooks and eats it, seduces the princess, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.
GRIND METAL: The protagonist screams something completely undecipherable for two minutes and then leaves.
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy-tale land by security guards.
A. POWER METAL: He arrives on a mighty steed wielding an enchanted sword.... slays the dragon, rescues the princess and makes her his queen. The bards continue to write songs about his exploits to this day.
SYMPHONIC METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess, and they make love in an enchanted forest.
A. NU-METAL: The protagonist arrives, whines about how horrible the world is and how bad his parents treated him. The princess is impressed by his sensitive side but not the dragon, which quickly Bar-B-Q’s the poser.
FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) and the protagonist leaves without the princess.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, but when the princess wants to “thank” the protagonist, he replies, “Sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage.
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Revised, improved by Andy Laudano
HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and bangs the princess.
DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he could never beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as well.
A. PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, and the dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist goes to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in his last year of the conservatory. The princess finally scapes, and is now looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.
A. GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives; the dragon laughs so hard at the guy’s appearance, that a stray fireball ignites the protagonist’s hair. It’s so full of hair spray it causes an explosion, killing the protagonist, the dragon and the princess.
VIKING METAL: The hero arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, cooks and eats it, seduces the princess, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.
GRIND METAL: The protagonist screams something completely undecipherable for two minutes and then leaves.
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy-tale land by security guards.
A. POWER METAL: He arrives on a mighty steed wielding an enchanted sword.... slays the dragon, rescues the princess and makes her his queen. The bards continue to write songs about his exploits to this day.
SYMPHONIC METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess, and they make love in an enchanted forest.
A. NU-METAL: The protagonist arrives, whines about how horrible the world is and how bad his parents treated him. The princess is impressed by his sensitive side but not the dragon, which quickly Bar-B-Q’s the poser.
FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) and the protagonist leaves without the princess.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, but when the princess wants to “thank” the protagonist, he replies, “Sorry, but I don’t believe in having sex before marriage.
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